Closing of a chapter

What started off as a blog about wanting my kids back again has ended up being an exploration of who I am. Guess what ?

I still dont have a bloody clue but i have realised i still have a very long way to go.  I have to admit to being an addict of many things, i drank too much, i smoked too much and i was a recreational user of  drugs which compiled into me becoming an addict. One of the biggest of all my problems was that i couldnt see them as  a problem and usually you dont realise it until you  get caught or are forced to look at yourself from the fear of reproach. The fact of the matter is i learnt that it doesnt matter what the addiction is, whether it be cigarettes, alcohol, cannabis, speed coke, heroin..ITS ALL THE SAME THING.. an addiction.

I cant talk for anyone else in this situation, but can only draw from my own knowledge, its not only the addictions we are called upon to address but all the ones which we really do that havant been reproached for. So tonight i tipped away a bottle of wine left over from the night before and have decided today is the last day of that life. Only by fully committing myself to a full recovery can i ever be the man i always dreamt i could become. Only by saying  ‘thats it i dont ever want to do these things ever again’ can i make any real progress, because until i do i will always look for something else to numb the pain, hide from the fear and blame the world. There is plenty that needs putting right in the world but it wont happen when i hide from the power of addiction. Its taken me a long time to realise this, it doesnt matter how much you do, if i do it then i am an addict. Not anymore. That life for me is now over.

Apparently i have to be careful that i dont just go back to it later, that it is a lifetime struggle, not just a matter of a few weeks, but a whole lifetime. The courts have cut me some slack, ive started a cognitive behaviour therapy course which in honesty is blowing away a lot of the preconceptions ive had, and i am fully committed from this moment onwards to really turn myself around in every aspect of my life. I have a fantastic team of people committed to helping everyone who walks through their doors, they are wonderful. I cant thank them enough, but it isnt something which just happens, it doesnt just land on my lap, i have to go seek the help, i just want to say thank god there are people out there like them untwisting my perspective, and allowing me the opportunity to become the man i am so capable of becoming.

The anger is slowly ebbing away now, i feel a calm that hasnt been there for such a long time. I think this is possibly finally the road to true recovery. I still have so far to go but i am committed. I have to do this for myself or else i will sink in the process. Getting the view its about anything other than my own recovery, and journey to discovering my true self worth is the biggest most important thing i have ever had to do in my life. The rewards will be my kids can be proud of me at last, but more importantly i can finally feel proud of myself again.

Ive learnt im just a scared lonely bloke burying my head in woes hiding in the shallows of my mind making mistakes, like so many others. We are all actors in the play of life, in many ways i dont actually know what my role is yet, nor do i know whether i will fulfill my destiny. Possibly not but i wont go down the addiction route any more. I hate drink and drugs now because it has jaded so much of my life, turned me away so far from my true self  removed so much opportunity taken away all that was so precious to me. I get good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, but i do know that when i can finally feel safe in myself again and comfortable in my own company without having to dull my senses with the poisons and toxins which are drink and drugs, that is the day that a new volume of the life of  Tim will begin. I guess this is just a closing of yet another chapter of my Life.

2 thoughts on “Closing of a chapter

  1. Victoria says:

    Proud of you Tim. Are you doing a 12-step program? I hope things are going better and you are feeling positive. Very best wishes, Victoria

  2. timmattock says:

    Thanks Victoria, no it wasnt a 12 step programme, i did participate in a few NA meetings but in honesty preferred engaging in the substance misuse services, of which i am now exited from. I guess its safe to leave a little update. I now have a job as a night porter, and a plush 2 bed flat within weeks of one another, Court is finally over with and things are looking improved for my contact with the kids again. Ive learnt a very important lesson about people, i cant change their behaviour only the way i react to their behaviour..its served me very well 🙂

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